Humors-Jokes in Hotels - recap by Mr. Angelini (2013)

 

 


 

HUMORS-JOKES IN HOTELS

 

1 – Hotel’s organization

2 – Welcome letter from an hotel

3 – Hotel inquiry

4 – Use of English….. at your own interpretation

5 – On-liners jokes

6 – Idiots in Hotels

7 – Hotels are a place for ………

8 – Who’s Who in Hotels?

9 – The Make of a Hotel Manager

10 – What is a Hotelier?

11 – A Classical Case (Hotel Soaps)

12 - Behaviors

 

 

 

Recap by Giovanni Angelini after close to 50 years in the hospitality business. (GA 2013)

Sources: Friends-colleagues-people in business, posted on-line/internet, conferences-meetings-workshops, etc.

 

 

 

1 – Hotel’s Organization

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2 – Welcome letter from an hotel

 

Getting To The Hotel:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
 

The hotel bus will run along winding rivers and you will feel pleasure in passing water.

When going round the bend, you will know the hotel is near.

As you enter the hotel, managers will offer welcome drinks and have intercourse with all new guests.

 

The Hotel:

As a traditional family hotel, adultery and children are welcome.

In addition nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children.

Guests are invited to mate in the bar and expose themselves to others.

To become friends with other guests it is good to have intercourse with others.

But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in the bar, who with our help can be delivered in the baby centre.

We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with themselves.

 

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.

In winter, every room is in heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity.

Please feel free to ring for the chambermaid and take advantage of her, or anyone from room service who can handle all your needs.

 

Long Lasting Hospitality:

When you leave the hotel at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to forget your visit and always remember our hospitality for the services given without any extra cost.

 

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3 – Hotel Inquiry (it is a dog life)

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote this short letter:

 

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"


An immediate reply came back from the hotel owner, who wrote:

 

"Dear Sir ...I've been operating this hotel for many years now, and in all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly, and I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

 

Yes indeed, your dog is very welcome at my hotel and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

 

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4 – Use of English……. at your own interpretation

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:

“It is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice.”

 

In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby:

“The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable.”

 

In a Leipzig Hotel Elevator:

“Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.”

 

In a Paris Hotel Elevator:

“Please leave your values at the front desk.”

 

In a Hotel in Athens:

“Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.”

 

In a Yugoslavian Hotel:

“The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”

 

In a Lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”

 

In an Austrian Hotel Catering to Skiers:

“Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”

 

On the Menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

“Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

 

On the Menu of a Polish Hotel:

“Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.”

 

In a Zurich Hotel:

“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”

 

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In a Swiss Mountain Inn:

 

“Special today – no ice cream.”

 

In a Tokyo Bar:

“Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”

 

On the door of a Moscow Hotel Room:

“If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.”

 

In a Norwegian Cocktail Lounge:

“Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

 

In an Acapulco Hotel:

            “The Manager has personally passed all the water served here.”

 

In a Czechoslovakian Tourist Agency:

“Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages…”

 

Advertisement for Donkey Rides in Thailand:

“Would you like to ride on your own ass?”

 

In a Copenhagen Airline Ticket Office:

“We take your bags and send them in all directions.”

 

In a Hotel in Madrid:

“English well speaking”

 

In a Hotel in Osakas:

            “In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter”

 

In a Hotel in Paris:

“For your evening muscles, the hotel offers a gym in free form”

 

In a hotel restaurant in Greece:

            “For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient, self service”

 

In a Hotel Bedroom Notice:

“Please to bathe inside the TAB

 

In a Hotel in Nice:

“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid”

 

Outside a Hong Kong Tailor Shop:

“Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”

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In a Bangkok Dry Cleaner’s:

“Drop your trousers here for best results.”

 

Outside a Paris Dress Shop:

“Dresses for street walking.”

 

In a Rhodes Tailor Shop:

              “Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotations.”

 

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:

“It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”

 

In an Advertisement by a Hong Kong Dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.”

 

In a Rome Laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

 

In a Bangkok Temple:

“It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.”

 

In a Budapest Zoo:

“Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

 

In the office of a Roman Doctor:

“Specialist in women and other diseases.”

 

In a Tokyo Shop:

“Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are best in the long run.”

 

Two Signs from a Majorcan Shop Entrance:

“English well talking”

“Here speeching American.”

 

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5 – On-Liners Jokes

 

  • How many hoteliers does it take to plaster a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

 

  • The three luckiest people in the world:
  1. The first born son;
  2. The second wife;
  3. The third time hotel developer.

 

  • It was so cold in New York last winter that three hoteliers were seen walking through Central Park with their hands in their own pockets.

 

  • I like the registers in hotels. You can always make a name for yourself.

 

  • We welcome you to the hotel – finest lodging found in one-block area. Please steal our towels, we need the advertising.

 

  • David: We had a burglary last night and they took everything except the soap and towels. Peter: The dirty crooks!

 

  • One financier says to the other – “I understand they caught the biggest hotel thief on town” and other respond, “Oh really, what property did he run?”

 

  • How many hotel General Manager does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinated to actually change it.

 

  • What’s the difference between a hotel manager and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

  • One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

 

  • Business at Harry’s hotel was terrible. It got so bad he had to start stealing towels from the guests.

 

  • Hotel porter, to guest, ‘I hope you have a good memory for faces.’ Guest, ‘Yes. Why?’ Porter, “There’s no mirror in the bathroom.’

 

  • I called the front desk of my hotel and told them a leak in my sink. ’Okay,’ they said. ‘Go ahead.’

 

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  • I stayed in a really old-fashioned hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

 

  • I wouldn’t say my hotel room was damp, but I found a goldfish in the mousetrap.

 

  • I wouldn’t say the hotel was exclusive but even room service had an unlisted number.

 

  • It was a very fancy hotel. They even made you wear a tie in the shower.

 

  • My room was so small, when I put the key in the door I broke the window!

 

  • The hotel bathroom was so small you couldn’t brush your teeth sideways.  

 

  • The hotel was filthy. They change the sheets every day but only from one room to another.

 

  • The room service in this hotel is terrible, when I ordered a hot chocolate they brought me a Cadbury’s flake and a match.

 

  • The walls in our hotel were very thin. If I ever called out a question to my wife I’d get three different answers.

 

  • A man makes a complaint at a cheap hotel. ‘My room is swimming in water,’ he says. ‘Does the roof always leak like that?’ ‘No, sir’ says the receptionist. ‘Only when it’s raining.’

 

  • A man is checking into a hotel. The reception clerk asks him if he ‘d like a room with a bath or a shower. ‘What’s the difference?’ asks the man ‘You can sit down in a bath,’ explains the clerk.

 

  • A woman goes to the reception desk of a hotel. The porter appears and the woman says, ‘Can you check me put please?’ The porter looks her up and down and says, ‘Sure baby, You’re not bad. Not bad at all…’

 

  • A bell boy is whistling in the foyer of an exclusive hotel when the manager stops him. ‘Don’t you know that it is forbidden to whistle in the corridors of this establishment?’ he says. ‘I wasn’t whistling.’ replies the bell boy. ‘I was paging a dog.’

 

  • I was staying in a really sleazy hotel. At two in the morning the manager pounded on my door asking if I’d got a girl in there. I said I hadn’t, so he asked me if I’d like one.

 

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  • A guest goes to the reception desk at a hotel. ‘Excuse me, but a card in my room said that I should alert the management of any complaints.’ ‘That’s right, sir.’ says the receptionist. ‘What’s the matter?’ The guest replies, ‘Not much. Just a touch of rheumatism and some dandruff.’

 

  • A guest at a country inn is appalled by the state of his bedroom. ‘This bed is a disgrace,’ he complains to the owner. ‘But it’s very historic.’ says the owner. ‘Dick Turpin slept in that bed!’ ‘Yes,’ replies the guest. ‘And judging by the state of the mattress his horse slept with him.’

 

  • A man takes his bride to an exclusive Moscow hotel for their honeymoon. The man is paranoid about being spied on so he checks the room to make sure there aren’t any KGB bugs still lurking around. Sure enough he finds a suspicious round metal plate in the floor under a rug. He removes the restraining screws and throws the object out of the window. A few minutes later he hears a fleet of ambulances pulling up outside. He rings down to reception to find out what’s going on. ‘It’s terrible!’ says the receptionist. ‘One of the chandeliers in the suite below yours has fallen on a dinner party!’

 

  • A businessman has a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the bellhop on duty, ‘My name is Bob Smith. Could you please tell me what room I’m in?’ ‘Certainly,’ said the clerk. ‘You’re in the lobby.’

 

  • A woman boarded a hotel shuttle-bus holding a baby on her way to the airport. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong, “The bus driver insulted me.” She fumed. The fellow guest sympathized and said: “Why, he’s a hotel employee and shouldn’t say things to insult guests.” “You’re right.” She said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.” “That’s a good idea.” The fellow guest said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

 

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  • A man who was staying in a hotel thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. “Is this yours?” he asked. She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty. Would you like to join me?” He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?” The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?” “No,” she replied, “Only those who catch my eye.’

 

  • A woman spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but in the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slopped out of it for an overall tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me miss,” said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.” “What difference does it make?” the woman asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.” “Not exactly”, said the embarrassed little man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

 

  • A guy goes into a classy bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by the Maitre’d who  tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and looks for a necktie but he doesn’t have one. But he sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the end dangle free. He goes back to the bar and the Maitre’d carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, “Well, okay. I guess you can come in. Just don’t start anything.”

 

  • Bellman: The family in room 312 wants you to send up a rabbit’s foot.

Manager: A rabbit’s foot? How come?

Bellman: they’re superstitious about sleeping thirteen in a bed.

 

  • Customer: Does this hotel have a golf course?

Clerk: No

Customer: Then why does my bedsheet have eighteen holes?

 

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6 – Idiots in Hotels

 

  • A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit”. How do I leave?” The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”

The person says, “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

 

  • A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel’s clerk about the time of meals. “Breakfast is served from 7 to 11,, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8,” explained the clerk. “Look here,” inquired the farmer in surprise, “when am
    I going to get time to see the city?”

 

  • A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. “Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.”

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3,000. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!”

“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”

 

  • “Room service? Can you send up a towel?”

“Please wait, someone else is using it.”

 

  • “And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. “No thank you,” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin on the bed.

“Anything for you wife?” he asked.

“Yeah! That’s a good idea, “the fellow said. “Please bring up a postcard.”

 

  • A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

 

  • A husband and wife are traveling by car from Chicago to Los Angeles. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

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“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well they are here, and you could have, “explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the show for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says. “But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” The Manager replies, No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies. “But we didn’t use it.!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir, this check is only made out for $50.” “That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife.” “But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have.

 

  • Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meeting, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, “Let‘s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.” At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!”

 

  • Burford is checking out of hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn’t working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men’s room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, up roots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: “Dear Mr. Burford…All is forgiven. Just tell us…where is it?”

 

  • At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunken guy asking what time the bar opens. “It opens at noon,” answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

“what time does the bar open?” he asks. “same time as before…Noon,” replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, “What joo shay the bar opins at?” The clerk then answers, “It opens at noon but if you can’t wait, I can have room service send something up to you.” “No… I don’t wanna git in…ah wanna git OUT!!!”

 

  • Hotels are cutting down, too. The Bible in some rooms only had seven Commandments.

 

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  • A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their rooms, the man said, “You rest here while I register for the convention – I’ll be back within an hour.” The wife lies down on the bed…just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, She’s pitched to the floor.

 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look,…lie here on the bed – you ‘ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in.

“what,” he says, “are you doing here?” 

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?

 

  • The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his rooms be changed.

“But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.”

“I insist on another room!” said the drunk.

“Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Eell, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

 

  • A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin in the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car’s glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can’t remember which room was his! He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several time. Within a minute, all the motel’s windows lighten up – except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.

 

  • Staying at an economy motel, Fred ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. “Good morning,” a young man said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”

Annoyed, Fred let the hotel worker have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight nade me miss out on it?”

“Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel!”

 

  • Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-clerk, and one of them says, “Could you please give us a bed with two rooms?”

“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.

“Whatever, whatever you say.”

 

So they get a key and somehow to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fail on the bed closest to the door.

 

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“Ahh,” says one, “Now we can get some sleep at last.” As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says one of them

“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says the other.

“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says the first.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.

“ALL RIGHT!!” he shouts, “I’ve thrown mind off the bed.”

“You are lucky,” says other, “ I got thrown off and I’m too tired to flight any more.”

“Well, never mind,” says the first, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”

 

  • Innkeeper: The room is $20 per a night. It’s $7 if you make your own bed.

Guest: I’ll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I’ll get you some nails and wood.

 

  • A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, “Because you peed in the pool.” “Well,” replied the swimmer, “lots of people do that.” “True,” answered the manager, “but you did it from the diving board.”

 

  • If you‘re not used to the sound of running water while you sleep, never book a hotel within 5 miles of Niagara Falls. The wifely person and I stayed at a hotel overlooking the falls once. I ended up getting up every half hour just to jiggle the handle on the toilet.

 

  • Willard pulled into the little town very late and every hotel room was taken.

“You‘ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. ‘or even just a bed – I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired travelers assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manger was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time” said Willard.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” Willard explained.

 “I went over, gave him a kiss on the check, said ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

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7 – Hotels are a Place for……....

               

A guy in an elevator

 

A guy steps into an elevator and there’s just one attractive woman in it. He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast. He says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you’ll be able to forgive me.”

She looks at him a few seconds and says, “That’s right. If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 204.”

 

An Italian in America

 

(must be read with an Italian or other foreign accent)

One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel. Inna moring I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She  say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella hin I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary…

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck you tits dry.” Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “what are you thinking now?” He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

 

Women Only Hotel

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Woman Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

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“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

 

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move to the next floor.

 

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are more…

 

Rejected Advertising Slogans

 

Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car.

 

With Monica as the spokeswoman: “Because some stains you want to keep”

 

If we’d know you were staying all night, We’d have changed the sheets.

 

You rented the room, now buy the video.

 

Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.

 

We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!

 

Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

 

We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.

 

Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

 

Clinton comes here … Why shouldn’t you.

 

What do a cheap hotel and a tight pair of pants have in common?

No ballroom.

 

Cheap Hotels

They advertised running water in each room, but I didn’t expect it to come from the ceiling.

 They only served three meals. Breakfast on Monday, Lunch on Tuesday and Dinner on Saturday.

 

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I couldn’t complain about the room service. There wasn’t any,

 

They changes beds twice a day – from one room to the next.

I had running water in my room. Shame it never stopped.

 Everything was cold except the ice water.

The hotel has started stealing towels from the guests.

It was so big by the time you crossed the lobby you owed for a day.

When I asked for hot towels, they told me to put the cold ones on the radiator.

If you asked for a 7.00am wake up call, they wake you up at 6.00 just to tell you have an hour left to sleep.

The hotel was advertised as ‘Bed and board” – I couldn’t tell which was which.

 

Yo’Mama VS Hotels

 

Q:  What’s the difference between Yo’Mama and a hotel?

A: Nothing. They both specialize in serving out of town businessmen.

 

Hotel’s Accountant

Q: What’s the definition of an accountant?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

 

Q: what’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?

A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.

 

Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?

A: Lost.

 

Q: When do accountants laugh out loud?

A: When somebody asks for a raise

 

Q: If an accountant’s wife can’t get to sleep, what does she say?

A: “Tell me about work today, dear.”

 

And finally...

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his co-workers and says, “Do you know what I do? “Daddy says you’re a FC.” “That’s right. Did he tell you what FC stands for?” “Well, he says you’re a complete pain in the ****.”

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8 – Who’s Who in Hotels?

 

 

POSITION

 

HE/SHE WEARS

HE/SHE EATS

HE/SHE BELIEVES

HE/SHE HOPES

HE/SHE KNOWS

HE/SHE WANTS

HE/SHE’LL SETTLE FOR

GENERAL MANAGER

 

Blue and grey suits.

 

Chicken livers.

He’s right.

Other people believe it too.

Everything?

Everything for nothing.

Nothing short of perfection.

DIRECTOR OF F&B

Outrageous ties.

His finger-nails.

He made a mistake coming here.

 

He can die in his sleep.

He can’t sleep.

A transfer.

Bay Island Andamans.

DIRECTOR OF MARKETING

Sports coats.

On his expense account.

 

He can sell out most of June.

 

Hotel is under renovation.

It won’t be.

More sales people.

Another secretary.

HOUSEKEEPER

Orthopaedic shoes.

Mint chocolates.

 

“Cleanliness is next to Godliness”

 

The maids aren’t hustling.

They are.

A Big Wally or Mr. Clean.

3 Tribals from the hills.

FINANCIAL CONTROLLER

 

Suits from cutpiece stores.

 

Masala Dosa.

People don’t know the value of money.

He can teach them.

He can’t.

To cut cost 20% overall.

Cutting them 2%.

BANQUET MANAGER

On your nerves.

Banquet leftovers.

 

He’s the best in the business.

He can sell $200 per plate dinner.

He’ll be lucky to get $50.

5 percent of the gratuities.

0.5%

PURCHASE MANAGER

Bow ties.

 

In his supplier’s office.

 

We’re using too many paper clips.

The product truck comes on time.

It can’t.

An assistant.

A housemaid.

FRONT OFFICE MANAGER

Bracelets.

 

Room forecasts.

 

 

They’re best with a little salt.

VIP’s will be recognized at the desk.

They won’t be.

A hotel of his own.

A hamburger stand.

CHIEF ENGINEER

Chrome-reverse Bleeper.

Anti-Acid.

 

 

Contractors can’t build crates let alone hotels.

The whole damn hotel doesn’t collapse.

It will someday.

Two stand-by generators.

A second hand one.

CHEF

Immaculate white jackets.

 

All day.

 

 

His curries are by far and away the very best.

The GM agrees.

He will never.

The best person for everything.

A day off.

DIRECTOR OF H.R.

Horn-rimmed glasses.

 

In the employee cafeteria.

 

He likes people.

People like him.

They can’t stand him.

 

Anyone that walks through the door.

 

 

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9 - The Make of a Hotel Manager

 

If you can speak Italian like a native,

And put a Russian stranger at his ease,

If you can charm and be appreciative,

In Spanish, French and German-Portuguese,

If you can always do and say what’s proper

And mix with Court and Church and stage and Law,

If you can mix with Silver, Gold and Copper;

And get on well with rich and well with poor.

If you can be a king of variation,

And feel the public pulse and make it throb.

If you can love the wondrous animation,

And all the teaming problems of your job.

If you can fight tremendous opposition,

If you can get the penny and the bun.

And view a hundred different propositions,

And visualize the prospect in each one.

If you can make a convert of a miser,

Though it may bring your powers to the test.

If you can make him feel so much the wiser,

In persuading him to eat and drink the best,

If you can meet a man who’s lost his temper,

Who slates you left and right for all you’ve done.

If you can tell yourself he’s got distemper,

And then convince him that he’s had good fun.

If you can read a face and what’s inside it,

And know all men and women at a glance,

Or guess a trickster’s trick before he’s tried it,

If you can tell just when to take a chance.

If you can face a Board that’s thrifty minded

And tell it how you want some money spent,

If you can open eyes that have been blinded,

And then with purest logic gain consent.

If you can win your staff yet be respected,

And make them part and parcel of your plan,

If you can know they’ll do just what’s expected,

And feel they’re behind you to a man.

If you can live a day with heavy onus,

And remember even then, when day is done,

That someone on your staff deserves a bonus. 

You’ll make a hotel manager, my son.

 

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10 - What is a hotelier?

 

A hotelier must be a diplomat, a democrat, an autocrat, an acrobat, and a doormat. He must have the facility to entertain prime minister, princess of industry, pickpockets, gamblers, bookmakers, pirates, philanthropists, and prudes. He must be on both sides of the political fence and be able to jump that fence.

He should be, or have been, a footballer, golfer, bowler, tennis player, cricketer, dart player, sailor, pigeon fancier, motor racer, or linguist, as well as have a good knowledge of any other sport involving dice, cards, horses, and pool cues. As he sometimes has to settle arguments and squabbles, he must be a qualified boxer, wrestler, weight-lifter, sprinter, and peacemaker,

He must always look immaculate when drinking with ladies and gentlemen – as well as with bankers, swankers, theatricals, commercial travelers and company representatives, even though he may have just made peace between any two, four, six or more of the aforementioned patrons.

To be successful he must keep the bar full, the house full, the storeroom full, the wine-cellar full, the customers full, and not get full himself. He must have staff who are clean, honest, quick workers, quick thinkers, non-drinkers, mathematicians, technicians, and at all times on the boss’s side, the customers’ side, the outside of the bar.

To sum up -- he must be outside, inside, offside, glorified, sanctified, crucified, cross-eyed, and, if he’s not the strong silent type, there’s always suicide!

 

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11 - A Classic Case (Hotel Soaps)

                   (An old one ….)

 

Dear Maid,

 

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

 

Thank you,

S. Berman

 

 

Dear Room 635,

 

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

 

Kathy, Relief Maid.

 

Dear Maid – I hope you are my regular maid.

 

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

 

Please remove them.

 

S. Berman

 

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Dear Mr. Berman,

 

My day off was last Wed so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

 

Your regular maid,

Dotty

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

 

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

 

Dear Miss Carmen,

 

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 Am and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

 

S. Berman

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

 

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

 

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,

 

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

 

S. Berman

 

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

 

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

 

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Carmay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath sixze Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

 

S. Berman

 

Dear Mr. Berman,

 

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Carmays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I didn’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room,

 

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper 

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,

 

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

 

  • On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camey in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
  • On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Carmey in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
  • On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
  • Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camey in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
  • In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
  • On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
  • On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

 

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to top. May I suggest that my bedroom window still is not use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of Bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

 

S. Berman

 

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12 - Behaviors

 

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